Fumarama

I simply cannot watch Fear Factor, it makes me queasy. Not to mention how badly the contestants annoy me. So imagine my shock when I read this in a Wall Street Journal article on the show:

The program brought in $89 million in ad revenue last year, according to Nielsen Monitor Plus, and was the No. 3 most-watched program among children age 2 to 11.

Whaaat? What about Sesame Street, or Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, or even that Lizzie McGuire show? Oh, my.

There is no question that Rocco, chef and star of NBC's show The Restaurant, is pretty annoying, but the one complaint I do not get on the show is the constant customer whining that they don't get to see him. Patrons keep repeating "where is Rocco? I came here to see Rocco. He should be here" What the hell? I have never in my life entered a restaurant expecting the owner or chef to be there entertaining me. Granted, I do not go to restaurants that are taping television shows and really, I mostly go to Uno's and they don't exactly have "chefs"... but still, how self-important are these people?

I, by the way, have had a Rocco encounter. It was during the big blizzard we had here in New York City back in December. I was walking by The Restaurant on my way to Barnes and Noble when suddenly, there were like 8 people walking toward me with cameras and headsets and clipboards and stuff. Among them was Rocco himself. The sidewalk was extra narrow due to the foot and a half of snow, so I had to move to the edge (got my feel all wet since at that part the snow was really high). As they all shuffled by, Rocco and I made eye contact. I smiled politely and he ignored me. If I had not already disliked him from The Restaurant season one, this snub ensured him a place on my television personality shit list.

Couldn't they have had turn off your television week in mid-summer when the only shows on television are Big Brother and For Love or Money? Then I may have participated.

The sponsors of this week, April 19-25, is a non-profit called TV-Turnoff network that "encourages children and adults to watch much less television in order to promote healthier lives and communities." In honor of this week, the non-profit encourages us to "take a seven-day break from TV and reclaim time to talk, play, read, exercise, create, dream -- and live!" They also give a list of reasons why TV is evil. It undermines family life, it makes people fat, it serves a detriment to children's academic achievement, etc.

When I was nine my mom gave me a long lecture on how TV shrinks the brain and then forbid me from watching more than 2 hours of TV a night. Now I use all that extra brain volume to write about television. Ironic, no?

If I ran the WB (which I should), next week's episode of One Tree Hill would be a light-hearted romp in which the kids take sex-ed classes. It would be hilarious. Educational too. The story could be about how Tree Hill, being a southern, conservative town has not taught the kids properly about condoms and birth control and that is why every character seems to be a teenage parent. Tree Hill tries to change that. Whitey could teach the class. Putting a condom on a bannana to help explain safe sex. It could be so much fun.

Also, I would make Jess a real character on Gilmore Girls. I talk about this endlessly to anyone who will listen...but he has so much potential. There could be a whole, long-term story line that has Jess slowly maturing from the obnoxious, selfish kid he is now to a less-obnoxious, less-selfish adult. I don't think he should date Rory again, at least not for a while. If they really have to make the story all about Rory, he could be trying to spite her and then ultimately improve to win her back. But maybe he could date Lane or something. It would be compelling.

A great journalist can take ideas that you were thinking but not quite able to articulate perfectly, and express them better than you could ever have. Here is Tom Shales on Bush's Tuesday press conference.

Bright finally got a story line on Everwood last night, and it was really sad. It is like you cannot get any real screen time on that show unless something bad happens to you. I was all for Bright happily falling in love with a nice, smart girl. Maybe there could be sexual tension cause she would be so bright, and he not so much. It would have been great and a reverse of the usual movie/tv story line of smart guy/dumb girl. But alas, I do run the WB television world (but I should).

The other thing I don't understand is where does Madison go to college and why can't Bright just go there? I mean I thought Madison was supposed to be fairly well together. Her school cannot be total shit. Why couldn't he have just applied and gotten in there? Wouldn't that have saved him some misery?

Here is an article about what is wrong with Network Television and giving tips of what it can do to save itself. It is from USA Today so everything is in small, bite-size, easy to digest pieces.

This my favorite section:

Re-evaluate or restructure the business

Every season, it's the same deadly dance. Advertisers want young male viewers, so the networks chase after an audience that isn't interested in their shows — and chase away the audience that is. Economically, a business that can't make money from the people who are actually eager to be its customers is a business that makes no sense. And artistically, an art form that allows its standards to be set by teenage boys is an art form, and a culture, in deep trouble.

You should read the entire thing, it is a great article if a bit depressing. As soon as I started finding writing about television that I thought took the medium seriously I started reading in what bad shape television is. I find it all very upsetting. Perhaps I should stop reading TV criticism all together. But I won't.

From tvguide.com

APOCALYPSE NOW: Fox's unsightly (yet uproarious) makeover saga, The Swan, is looking good in Nielsen's eyes. Wednesday's premiere attracted 15 million viewers and retained nearly 80 percent of its huge American Idol lead-in. By comparison, The O.C. and 24 have been holding on to just 50 percent of Idol's audience. ABC's latest Bachelor edition, meanwhile, got off to a so-so start with 11 million viewers.

This is so depressing. I don't understand how people could prefer a reality show about plastic surgery to great scripted dramas. Not to sound alarmist, but it does feel like more and more hours are being dedicated to reality shows. And who can blame the networks, if that is what people wants. It isn't that I am entirely immune to the questionable charms of reality tv. As a TV lover, I have clearly watched my share. But I simply cannot get excited about them. I would never run home and make the sure the Apprentice is taped. I can miss an episode of the Bachelor and not care less. Even stuff like Queer Eye I can watch or miss, doesn't really matter. But take scripted shows and I will cancel social engagements, skip homework (when I had homework), ignore phone calls and ruin my life in countless other ways in order to watch. oh well, if this pattern continues at least I won't fail out of law school.

The New York Times sent out an ad e-mail with the list of the 10 most viewed articles in March. I love top 10 lists so I find this to be totally exciting. The other thing that I enjoy about this is how much I like these articles. In television, I cannot stand any of of the top-rated shows. It is depressing to know that shows I adore, like everwood, have something like 6 million viewers while 7th Heaven is the highest rated show on the WB. But is the realm of the Times, I am with the majority. It may be a tiny realm, but the feeling is good nonetheless.

1) Sizing Up America: Signs of Expansion - 3/1/04

2) Spain Struggles to Absorb Worst Terrorist Attack in Its
History - 3/11/04

3) Atheist Presents Case for Taking God From Pledge - 3/25/04

4) Al Franken, Seriously - 3/21/04

5) President Asked Aide to Explore Iraq Link to 9/11 - 3/29/04

6) Whence the Wince? - Op-Ed, 3/11/04

7) Mysterious Fax Adds to Intrigue Over the Medicare Bill's
Cost - 3/18/04

8) Enraged Mob in Falluja Kills 4 American Contractors -
3/31/04

9) Friends for Decades, but Years on Court Left Them
Strangers - 3/5/04

10) Nation's Direction Prompts Voters' Concern, Poll Finds -
3/16/04